My Story

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I was raised in a Christian home.  I accepted Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior at Kidder Creek Orchard Camp in Northern California when I was seven years old. From that point on, I had the indwelling Holy Spirit living inside of me, but as I got older, there were dark presences that surrounded my thoughts, emotions and desires, and ultimately tried to deceive and destroy me. 

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I was always known as the good kid in my neighborhood. I minded my parents, I didn't get in to trouble, and I did well at school. From the outside looking in, I seemed very together. From the inside though, I was struggling from a young age with confusing desires. From the time I was a young boy, I had a pull toward same sex attraction. I wasn't sexually abused or traumatized in some way that might bring those feelings about, but all the same, I was aware of them from a young age. 

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As I got older, these desires intensified- especially around puberty. Around that time, my parents got divorced and so I was trying to process that while also dealing with these secret desires. I don't mention this to blame my parents in  any way. I have been blessed by God with a wonderful mother and a wonderful father. All the same, I didn't know how to deal with my family being split apart. I was angry, confused, and going through all the changes that come with puberty- that combination made things very messy in my heart and mind.

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Around 13, I got my first laptop and quickly discovered pornography. It started small as quick searches and glances, then grew into a monster over time. This was a way that I could experience the homosexual lifestyle from a distance. I wasn't comfortable going full out and living a homosexual lifestyle because, remember, I was actually saved, and had the conviction of Holy Spirit inside of me, but this was a way that I could indulge and explore. 

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Pretty soon, I was completely addicted to pornography and that addiction followed me through high school and into college. Along with the addiction came increasingly intense homosexual desires, and shame became the core of my identity. I hated myself. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but felt completely helpless to stop. Time wore on, the addiction, shame, and self hatred grew bigger and bigger and was more than I knew how to process.  

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Looking back, I realize that because I wasn't seriously consuming the word of God and letting it inform my identity, I believed that I was how I felt about myself. I believed I was  my addiction. I wasn't renewing my mind in Christ, so I was daily living out of the carnal mind, instead of the mind of Christ. 

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I wanted to be free, but after so many years of struggle, I started giving up hope that freedom was possible. Be that as it may, I tried every human measure conceivable to get free from my addiction. I had accountability partners, met with my pastor for prayer, went to counseling, read the books that guys are supposed to read about sex, got a flip phone instead of a smartphone, and didn't have internet in my apartment. Despite every measure I put in place, I still couldn't find freedom. Finally, the day came when I gave up...

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Throughout my battle, I had a practice of regularly believing the lies of the enemy. I believed that God was refusing to heal me for some reason, that He didn't want to speak to me, and that He was disgusted with me as His creation because I was a failure. I believed that I would never change, that I would be a slave no matter what, and that there was no way out. Finally, at 24 years old, I leveled with God- one night I cried out to Him:

 

"Look! I don't know where you are! I don't know how to be free, and I can't hear your voice! I feel totally alone and like you don't want me or love me. If this is what being a Christian is- this isn't what I signed up for. There has to be more!  I NEED YOU TO SPEAK TO ME TONIGHT! I'm gonna get on my floor, and write in this journal and I need you to speak to me, God!"

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I got down on my bedroom floor and started feverishly free-writing in my journal when suddenly a line came out of my pen and onto the paper which read: 

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"I KNEW WHAT YOU'D STRUGGLE WITH WHEN I CREATED YOU, AND I DECIDED TO CREATE YOU ANYWAY."

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I paused. The world stopped for a moment. I stared at my paper knowing that I had not written that sentence, and that it was a direct word from the Lord. It was the exact  word I needed to hear in that moment. Suddenly, I tangibly felt this warm, liquid love of Jesus pouring over me and I wept in His presence because I had never felt so loved in my entire life. I didn't have language for it yet, but that was the moment when the Lord Himself baptized me in His Holy Spirit. 

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For the next three months I was ON FIRE for Jesus. My addiction stopped, I didn't give temptations the time of day, and I was prophesying to people and enjoying the Lord like never before. That moment in my room is when Jesus truly became first in my life. 

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Now, because I didn't understand what had happened to me (that Jesus had freed my life and baptized me in His Spirit), I ended up eventually walking back into those old, familiar sins again (we have free will, y'all...). Because I didn't understand or have too much teaching on the Spirit-Baptism that took place in my room that night, I just assumed it was a cool "Jesus high", but that it was over now because life felt normal again.  I was so wrong! God totally set me free in that night- it was incredible, and there were several months of good fruit that followed!

 

But the enemy is crafty and loves to deceive us, then accuse us...

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I took the bait of his deception and paid the price for it. After returning to my old sins, I plunged into three years of agony, accusation, and turmoil where I had too much experience of Holy Spirit to enjoy my sin, and too much sin to enjoy the Holy Spirit!  On top of that, night and day I was attacked by a spirit of fear that I had lost my salvation and would never be acceptable to God. 

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THANKFULLY, the Lord in His goodness lifted me out of those false things and fully delivered my life of addiction through revelation of His word, healing prayer, community, and discipleship. This took time, but He did it because He is an excellent Father. Commit your way to the Lord and He will make your paths straight. 

 

Temptations try to plague us, but, like Jesus- we speak the word, declare the freedom of the Father over ourselves, and walk in the light! Just because temptation tries to entice you doesn't mean you're in bondage or sinning.  Jesus Himself was tempted, and in the blood of Jesus, we have been given COMPLETE VICTORY over the works of darkness! I'm now living free, in love with Jesus, and seeking for more revelation of Him always!

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What He has done for one, He will do for another. Be encouraged today! No matter how dark or horrible the issue you're experiencing is- our God is THE SAVIOR. He is our great Redeemer, our great Deliverer, and is in the business of SAVING and REVIVING. Jesus WILL encounter you today. You are who HE says you are, not how you feel about yourself or a certain issue. He has declared in His word that if you are saved, then you are the righteousness of God IN Christ Jesus, seated with Him in heavenly places RIGHT NOW!  

 

If you'd like to talk or need prayer, or maybe don't know Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior, but would like to- please send me a message through the message box on the contact page.

 

Blessings to you today!